You saw this play from the first quarter against LSU… but you didn’t see everything. The video is noisy and fast and doesn’t linger on the very real human stories and emotions of everyone there. (Mostly confusion that a Wii-Sports character somehow scored a touchdown against very well-paid adults…)
Let’s take a moment to bask in the sea of humanity, and meet some of these fine specimens from the assembly of God’s children. [editor’s note: nothing in this piece is to be confused with anything approaching fact, or even reasonable assumption. Any resemblance to any person, living or deceased, is purely coincidental.]
Straight out of Wii Sports, this is Ryan Coleman-Williams. He’s a wide receiver for the University of Alabama, most famously known for being ONLY SEVENTEEN years old. His second year of being 17 was a bit rough, but in this third season of being 17 he’s now married, has a child, and had the good fortune of removing the thick padding from his hands and placing it around the shell of his helmet. Louis knew better than to put money on this game. “Lane’s got this in the bag,” they said. “Most expensive roster EVAR!” they cajoled him. He even got in early on the three point margin. Now he’s got to start over on his down payment if he’s ever gonna own an airboat. Ann-Ellen Posey still has family in Metairie. They might end up disowning her if anyone mistakes the look on her face as approval.Elbert Collins knows ball. He saw this end around coming — a good two to three seconds after it happened, which is a good second or two before the LSU defense recognized it. Elbert is pleading for a holding call, because obviously. After several seasons of being a runner and finding parking passes for the announce teams and coiling thick video cables on the contract crew, Perry Davis is living his dream of running the end zone camera in Bryant-Denny West. This was a great day for Gene Overlund. Gene decided early that morning that he was gonna see what tailgating and game atmosphere was all about. Bought a ticket at the last minute and celebrated alone right in front of the end zone. Sadly, the fans who were sitting around Gene had enough of his shit-talking and dragged him out in the middle of the fourth quarter where they administered a Cajun Rekkoning in the parking lot. Don’t ask me, that’s how they spell it. Bob works security. And working in Death Valley, you know he’s seen some shit. That’s why everyone around the stadium knows him as Tyrell. Bob quit grad school for a family emergency right before getting his master’s in criminal psych. And he knows that “Tyrell” commands a hell of a lot more respect than Bob ever would. But hey, if ‘Bama keeps scoring like this he won’t have to worry about anyone rushing the field. Hobert is pissed. He wouldn’t tell us whether it was supposed to be Robert or Hubert. His momma never told him. But growing up in the Saban era of Alabama football, he instinctively reached for the only reflex he knew. The Surrender Cobra.Deanell Benoit doesn’t miss leg day. However, on leg day he goes straight for the curls and presses. He has to do arms on leg day because on arm day he is out on Ponchatrain, trying to get a picture of him holding a bigger fish for his dating profile. Deanell is inviting Ryan Coleman-Williams to meet him in the parking lot later. It’s nothing personal, he’s just pissed that kickoff happened six hours earlier than God Almighty intended. As he stands, Deanell hopes to be seen by his children, and not seen by his probation officer. Parker Clay Latham had dreams, man. Turns out that when you have just enough knowledge of chemistry and aren’t afraid of hard labor, there’s plenty of work to be had cleaning up crime scenes. But nothing had prepared him for the final 18 minutes of this game. He found a scratch-off ticket in the parking lot and popped an easy $500. Good for you, Parker. You were a winner today, and just recouped what you spent on that tie-dyed Mike the Tiger shirt.
Sadly, the fans who were sitting around Gene had enough of his shit-talking and dragged him out in the middle of the fourth quarter where they administered a Cajun Rekkoning in the parking lot. Don’t ask me, that’s how they spell it.
This line had me rolling.
Bob works security. And working in Death Valley, you know he’s seen some shit.
Straight out of Wii Sports, this is Ryan Coleman-Williams. He’s a wide receiver for the University of Alabama, most famously known for being ONLY SEVENTEEN years old.
How quickly we forget that he was only 16 when he caught the glorious Gravedigger pass to win at JerdonHare!!!
This line had me rolling.
This was another zinger.
Good work, sir.
I enjoyed this
How quickly we forget that he was only 16 when he caught the glorious Gravedigger pass to win at JerdonHare!!!
so, you enjoy LSD is what I’m reading here.
There were several people in that crowd wondering how the Ryan Coleman-Williams bobblehead doll scored so easily on the vaunted LSU defense…
I’ve seen a Parker or Deanell at every gas station on I-10 from Slidell to Beaumont
Freakin’ hellarious! One of my favorite pictures ever. How’d they get that shot? Opposite end zone with telephoto?
Is it a still from the SkyCam maybe?
Hell, IDK, but it is awfully close to field level. The pic is now my background on my big screen, and every time I see it I chuckle like school girl.